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...sucks.
I'm sorry. There's no nice way around it. It sucks. Bad. The movie is one long string of boring, wordy philosophical arguments that lead nowhere, punctuated by pointless frenetic action sequences. The pacing is fucked, the exposition is clumsy, the end is confusing, the preview so not worth sitting through that damn song they play in the endless credits.
So obviously you're not going to want to waste your time seeing it, but you don't want to be the only one left out of a Genuine Cultural Phenomenon (tm), do you? I'm here to help. I suffered for your sake, you ungrateful bastards. Something good might as well come of this. Therefore, out of the depths of my pain and misery, comes:
The Recap.
NEO: Hi. I'm Keanu Reeves, the savior of the whole entire universe.
AUDIENCE: Ha ha! Sorry, that just never stops being funny.
MORPHEUS: Those of you who have seen Othello and *know* I can act are going to be disappointed. Morpheus-and-Trinity-it-is-time-to-meet-w
NIOBE: Morpheus, I am startlingly attractive. Is that smoldering tension between us?
MORPHEUS: I wouldn't know. I'm only attracted to Keanu.
TRINITY: Time for a love scene, Neo.
NEO: Ho, hum.
There is a really, really bizarre MTV Dance Party sequence with no discernible purpose. Get used to this sort of thing. It ends with a shot of Neo and Trinity cuddled up naked, looking kinda like John Lennon and Yoko Ono in that Leibowitz photograph.
AUDIENCE: *looks blank*
DIRECTORS: Oops. Neo, fight this funny little Chinese man, the first of two.
FUNNY LITTLE CHINESE MAN: I are steleotype!
THE ORACLE: It's a goddamn shame I died during the production, since I am without question the only decent actor in this whole shindig. Nevertheless, I am wasted in this long meandering conversation that, even as it attempts to be cryptic and intriguing, succeeds only in boring the audience so much that they consider papercutting themselves to death with their ticket stubs.
AGENT SMITH: Oops, we're losing them! Hello, Neo. We meet again. God DAMN, I am hot for your body.
NEO: Du-uhhh. Monotone. Incomprehension.
Neo and about five hundred thousand Agent Smiths have a wicked cool fight scene, during which Keanu Reeves joins the ranks of actors like Hayden Christensen who are actually more convincing and lifelike as computer animations.
NEO: Time to do my weird, weird Superman-thing for the second time, though it's anybody's guess why I didn't do this to start with and tell you all to fuck off. This will never get old!
THE MEROVINGIAN: And you zought Agent Smeeth was beetch-slappable.
MINIONS: Time for another fight scene exactly like the last one.
NEO: But this time, with swords!
SPOOKY UBER-WHITE GUY WITH DREADLOCKS NUMBER ONE: Why are we here?
SPOOKY UBER-WHITE GUY WITH DREADLOCKS NUMBER TWO: Is it destiny? Or is it...a choice? Hey, I can turn into a ghost!
AUDIENCE: *checks watch*
THE KEYMAKER: Every single thing I do is unintentionally hilarious.
MORPHEUS: The only things that can save us now are lots and lots and lots and lots of cars.
TRINITY: And enemies who are too stupid to think of shooting at our tires for ten whole minutes, in spite of unlimited ammo.
There is a freeway chase that is cool, although not as cool as the review in Newsweek made me believe. Trinity spends a few minutes on a motorcycle, looking very hot in black vinyl, if uncomfortable. Morpheus gets his kung-fu sequence that he obviously had to fight for in his contract.
AUDIENCE: Whoa, we were on the edge of our seats for that one.
NIOBE: This movie is dying, Morpheus! What can we do!
MORPHEUS: The only thing that can save us now is chunking all the interesting exposition into the last half-hour, leaving the audience to wonder why the hell it took us this long to get to the point.
LOCKE: Incidentally, Zion is going to die.
The movie inexplicably begins to shift between past, present and future scenes, like a story with a really bad grammar problem.
NEO: Trinity, promise me you will stay out of the Matrix! You'll die!
Shot of Trinity going into the Matrix.
TRINITY: Sure, baby!
THE ARCHITECT: I designed this whole thing, Neo. What a surprise that they made me an old white guy with a beard. I also use lots of big words and am excruciatingly dull.
AUDIENCE: Stone him!
NEO: Instead of attacking you, which might be ultimately futile but at least interesting, I will do exactly as you say and choose one door or the other. LOVE OR DUTY? HMM!
In the middle of a movie that is about the dangers of relying too much on technology, Trinity decides to take the elevator.
AGENT: Taking the stairs keeps you fit for wearing vinyl, bitch!
They fight. Trinity is shot. Neo saves her by doing some creepy sticking-his-hand-in-her-chest thing and massaging her heart.
AUDIENCE: *squirms uncomfortably*
NEO: Morpheus, the prophecy was a lie. I'm not The One. I'm just plain old Keanu Reeves. I hope you can love me for myself anyway.
MORPHEUS: I think I'm going to kill myself.
LINK: Eww, machines that look like sort of like sperm! Hide!
NEO: No, wait, I take it back. I think I'm God.
Neo stops the evil sperm machines by shooting blue lightning at them, just like the Emperor in Star Wars. Then he collapses into a coma, showing his finest range of acting yet.
DIRECTORS: The ending is a cliffhanger!
AUDIENCE: *raises eyebrow*
DIRECTORS: We swear!
LINKEN PARK: Angry white guy credit music!!!
PREVIEW: I look exactly like what you just saw!
AUDIENCE: We want our money back. And the last two hours of our lives, please.
DIRECTORS: Ooh...no can do. See you in November?
AUDIENCE: *stones them*
THE END.
Back to my apartment tomorrow. A weekend of packing! (Not the fun kind of packing.) Oh joy.
May 16 2003, 22:48:05 UTC 9 years ago
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
*shall wait till it hits video*
Ta for the recap, which by the sounds of it is far more entertaining than the actual movie.
May 16 2003, 23:13:56 UTC 9 years ago
May 16 2003, 23:15:12 UTC 9 years ago
A cuttingly accurate summary/review!
Thanks!
May 16 2003, 23:47:50 UTC 9 years ago
May 17 2003, 00:17:59 UTC 9 years ago
May 17 2003, 04:12:25 UTC 9 years ago
AGENT SMITH: Oops, we're losing them! Hello, Neo. We meet again. God DAMN, I am hot for your body.
Muahah!
May 17 2003, 08:41:58 UTC 9 years ago
AGENT SMITH: Oops, we're losing them! Hello, Neo. We meet again. God DAMN, I am hot for your body.
I completely agree, I kept on seeing this subtext through every one of their encounters. Spot on.
May 17 2003, 19:28:02 UTC 9 years ago
I liked X2 better. I've seen it 3 times. This is the only time I plan on seeing Matrix in theater. I might, might, get it when it and Revolutions are out on video and watch the trilogy in sequence just to see if it works better that way. It probably doesn't, though. Gah.
May 18 2003, 07:07:18 UTC 9 years ago
philosophy's sorta useless, though the film has loads of it, it really makes one think a lot about what they say (or maybe it's just me)
... or maybe I just thought the whole show was great because of Hugo. =)
Entertaining recap of the show. =D
May 21 2003, 19:47:47 UTC 9 years ago
May 22 2003, 14:51:18 UTC 9 years ago
Isn't everyone?
I actually really enjoyed the film, but this still made me laugh. Did anyone else notice the number of 'I believe's in the script? I made it about fifteen. Not to mention the number of times Keanu says, 'I don't know' - but he does say it convincingly, I'll give him that. *g*
Anonymous
June 3 2003, 10:48:18 UTC 9 years ago
reloaded
Genius recap. The movie sucked- such is life. Few movies can meet their hype... X2 was loads better (mmm Alan Cumming_) :)The twins, though... thought they were cool; yay for British villains!!
Anonymous
June 6 2003, 06:34:36 UTC 9 years ago
But I don't agree with your opinions on the film. Thing is, the Matrix series are based on the work of William Gibson, and the second film in particular is getting close to Gibson's mix of action, rich urban-gothic settings, and surrealism/philosophy. The philosophical loops in it are utterly ingenious if you give them the pondering they deserve - I especially loved the exponential pattern of the population of Zion; it's like a nuclear reaction. And the choice with which Neo was faced was a very very surreal in-joke if you looked hard enough - it was directly harking back to the pill scene in the previous Matrix, and the coercion that the Architect was referring to only shows its true colours in that light; he HAD to take the door back, and he HAD to take the red pill, for the same reason - because this is all just a story and the story would only be satisfying to the creators and the audience if he made those choices. Clever, eh?
Then there's the Maslowism in it. Maslow was a psychologist who preached that all humans are unique so experimentation on humans, and attempts to apply strict laws to their behaviour will ultimately fail. The Architect was working on the basis that humans are not individual, and this is why the relationship between Neo and Trinity was enough to completely throw him. The film really is about the unique individual in many ways - if you look for it. There's more, too - dozens of hidden depths and little secrets. You can't deny that the action scenes are beautiful, too, and I think they serve as what you might call eye sorbet, rather than eye candy - something to clear the palatte before the next course.
Problem is, in terms of the world of cinema, it wasn't that "good" because it doesn't fit that pattern of what people want from a film. I don't much like films, I like cyberpunk, and as far as cyberpunk goes, that film was a complete work of art.
yours in smugness,
Athene Miranda
athenemiranda@hotmail.com
http://www.deadjournal.com/users/athenem
June 6 2003, 20:15:33 UTC 9 years ago
To quote The Princess Bride, a very successful cinematic creation, although undoubtedly a failure in Maslovian terms and not at all indebted to the work of William Gibson: "Yes, you're very smart. Shut up."
Anonymous
June 7 2003, 04:36:52 UTC 9 years ago
Wait a minute.
*I* don't think that The Princess Bride was a failure in Maslow's terms. In fact, I can thnk of a few bits that could illustrate his points quite well. And... maybe I'm missing smething... but what does its being very successful have to do with anything?Bah. If you don't like critiques, what's the point of putting up an outspoken position online? "Wanky and annoying." Pteh.
...anyway, very interestring recap, definitely has some funny moments. Tata!
--magistrate
June 7 2003, 08:11:09 UTC 8 years ago
Re: Wait a minute.
I did not object at all to her review of my critique, or her critique of my review, or whatever, until I got to:Problem is, in terms of the world of cinema, it wasn't that "good" because it doesn't fit that pattern of what people want from a film. I don't much like films, I like cyberpunk, and as far as cyberpunk goes, that film was a complete work of art.
yours in smugness,
Athene Miranda
That is wanky and annoying. (Insert "pteh" here, if you like.) I did not mean to discuss the Princess Bride, in Maslovian terms or otherwise -- my objection was to the tone of her more-intelligrrl-than-thou tone (want to raise somebody's hackles? Be theirs in smugness). I am sure she didn't mean to come off sounding as condescending as she did, but there we are. The implication of this post -- and I'm sorry if you disagree with me, this was just the way I saw it -- is that the herd is too stupid to understand the deeply meaningful theme of this deeply pretentious film.
I would like to point out that I enjoyed the first Matrix film a lot. It also had its deeply philosophical moments, interspersed with excellent action sequences: it was much, much more than a mindless summer blockbuster. In "Reloaded," it seemed to me that the Wachowski brothers (I may have misspelled that) took those two very successful elements -- action and philosophy -- and dragged them to extremes, so that you had the long conversations interspersed with wait-why-are-they-doing-that action sequences, and by attempting to make a larger success of both they succeeded in neither.
I would also like to point out that if she is free to comment in my journal, as she certainly is, I am free to respond in any way I please.
On another note entirely, I'm glad you liked the recap, and thank you for telling me :-) I was pleased the other poster enjoyed it as well, believe it or not, and would have told her so if I hadn't been so thrown by her tone.
Anonymous
June 7 2003, 12:39:21 UTC 8 years ago
Re: Wait a minute.
Sorry 'bout the tone, then. :) I don't really mean that it's 'the herd's too stupid', just that it's not what they're looking for. I mean, people assure me that Jane Austen is a good writer and all I can do is smile and nod, because...it's not what I'm looking for. And cyberpunk lovers are more likely to be looking for what that film was offering than film buffs were. There is a lot in it, provided you want it.And I wasn't meaning to be condescending, really. Just smug. I can do smug. :)
bye,
Athene Miranda
June 7 2003, 13:23:36 UTC 8 years ago
Re: Wait a minute.
Alas! And I like Jane Austen too! Oh well, different strokes, etc. I'm neither a cyberpunk (I'm not even sure what that is, actually) nor a film buff, so I suppose the movie missed me on both counts. I'll just agree to disagree, and apologize for my tone as well.Anonymous
June 7 2003, 19:49:10 UTC 8 years ago
That said, of course, I *do* have to admit to enjoying the movie. (Well... most of it, anyway.) And maybe I'm a geek, but I found the whole Architect thing fascinating.
...no, scratch that. I /know/ I'm a geek. No 'maybe's about it.
...oh, well.
--magistrate
Anonymous
June 14 2003, 13:31:53 UTC 8 years ago
I am helplessley obsessed with the matrix
I love both films, and i think the second one is far better than the first one. Maybe that'll blow over after the initial rush of reloaded.Of course, being obsessed means it hurts me to see people saying that the matrix is complete and utter rubbish, which of course it is not. Please try not to upset me too much. The spoof was hilarious, i loved it.
Say? has anyone got an original reloaded poster? I have. So nanananana to you.
The Matrix is the greatest movie of all time in my opinion, so remember to watch revolutions and live long mes amigos!
P.S. The Twins r the ABSOLUTE coolest, and have beaten Trinity to the top notch in my list of cool.
P.S.S. Keanu Reeves can't act, i know, but hey! Who gives one? Im obsessed and i don't!
Anonymous
June 14 2003, 15:25:32 UTC 8 years ago
candrodor